Recently, I was set up on a blind date. He seemed like a normal mature guy via text. Polite, intelligent responses, etc. We agreed to meet at a local bakery. My first clue should have been the fact that he didn't have the fortitude to message me first. I don't do a great job of taking my own advice…I had told myself I wouldn't message first, that he would have to be the guy and reach out first. Oops.

When I showed up, he was sitting outside. I sat down and he asked if I wanted to order something. He told me they have great food and good coffee, to which I replied that I don't drink coffee. And the date careened downhill from there.

His response? Not drinking coffee is a red flag that a woman isn't a good partner. Goes along with not liking chocolate. He declared that if something else goes wrong later in the relationship, you can look back and say yeah they told me there was something wrong from the beginning.

Then he went off on a tangent about how people who don't eat the same kind of foods won't be compatible in relationships. For example a vegetarian and a vegan. More specifically, a really douchey vegetarian or vegan. I didn't know people still used that word…actually, I didn't know that it was ever used out loud as an adjective by a guy. He continued with other crazy comparisons. Like Jewish people who don't eat pork. Or cannibals. Or carnivores. Told me a story about having a friend who ate dogs.

Some context for the dog-eating conversation-- there was an adorable medium-sized fluffy black and white dog sitting about 3 feet away from us. He and his owner are clearly within earshot.

He continued…."do you see that dog right there, she (his friend from Asia) would think it would be OK to eat a dog."

I didn't know what to say to that. All I could say at that point was that I could never eat that dog, that I couldn't even kill a dog!

His monologue about eating continued with an explanation of why humans are the superior beings on the planet. The bottom line was that the thing that makes us the superior being is the fact that we can eat any other animal. It's not our intelligence (dolphins are more intelligent), it's not our technology, we aren't faster or braver. But we can eat any animal. And somehow he related this to the use of smartphones- using a smartphone doesn't make you smart. A stupid person can use a smartphone but still eat any animal.

He then delved further into the world of food and eating with a rant about McDonald's.

You’ve heard of McDonald's, right? Are you too good to eat at McDonald's?

Have you heard of Jim Gaffigan? He does a skit about McDonald's. You ever run into someone at a McDonalds’s and they ask what you’re doing there...you just pretend you’re meeting a hooker.

Him: McDonald’s fries are the best thing.

Me: not if they’re cold.

Him: Well you have to eat them within 5 minutes. After those five minutes, they’re no longer food.

Me: But they aren’t always warm when you get them.

Him: Then that’s your fault. If you don’t check and you drive away, it’s on you. You can’t blame anyone else.

Me: But who wants to be the person who holds up the line in the drive-thru?

Him: You have to be coordinated, pay, and inspect the fries all at the same time. And if they’re cold, you hand them back and say these are cold I need new fries. And everyone in that line behind you will understand that. If you drive away and the fries are cold, it's your fault.

I tried to change the subject by commenting on the restaurant. Told him there was a place I previously lived that had similar food, but the décor on the inside was quirky. It was awesome because it was open 24/7. His response…there weren't other places open 24/7? IHOP?

I asserted that there were not many places….maybe Huddle House. He said he's never been to a Huddle House. I said it's like a worse version of Waffle House. He said, have you ever been to a Waffle House? It's like a truck stop bathroom with a kitchen.

I told him, yes, and that Huddle House must be an East Coast thing. He told me they don't have it up north, so I said Ok, maybe it’s a North Carolina thing. Why does everything have to be a disagreement???

Finally, after complaining about not wanting to give up the table he picked, he agreed that we should go in and order food.

When we were in line to order, the conversation took on a slightly different tone. He proceeds to lecture me on the fact that making requests or asking questions regarding food at a restaurant is a personality flaw. He also told me that you need to try everything at least twice. Without even knowing me, he was insulting people who make requests at a restaurant.

He made some mention of bacon, and I said I don't care for bacon, and asked whether not liking bacon is as bad as not liking coffee or chocolate? He said that's not a big deal in Texas, maybe in North Carolina or Georgia it would be (the last two places I've lived…again, he knows nothing about me).

When I asked why I have to try something else two more times when I already know what I like (or don't like), he said, what if you get to be 80 years old, and your tastes have changed? He told me, just go with the flow….he said if he orders beans and they give him rice instead, he'll just eat the rice. Me: But what if you really want beans. Him: Just go with it, order the beans next time. Some people eat dirt and mud.

Me: Just because there are people who have to eat dirt doesn't mean we just have to eat whatever is given to us.

Him: Don't ask a lot of questions to someone who barely has a high school education.

So basically…he doesn't have a spine to ask for what he wants when he eats out. Probably translates into other areas of his life where he isn't able to stand up for himself…just a guess.

So now that he's already insulting people who have preferences about food, I had to tell him about a recent outing with work colleagues. We went to an outdoor American food place, and I wanted a plain burger. The only thing they had on the menu was a burger with brisket on top. So I asked my friends if that meant brisket sauce or actual brisket meat. Immediately, my date tells me I asked too many questions.

I tried to play along, acquiescing that barbeque is a big deal in Texas.

But then, I said I don't eat that much food at one time and I didn't want more meat on my burger.

He told me not to complain, and just eat half and give it to a homeless person. He told a story about giving food to a homeless person once in Austin…the homeless person asked if it was gluten-free, and then when he said I'm not sure, and the homeless person said, ok, never mind. So a weird humble brag, talking bad about a homeless person while simultaneously telling me he is a generous person.

So again, it was my turn to tell a story about myself to see how he'd insult me some more.

Me: I went to a restaurant that I really liked back home and I like the green beans there. I went there one time and they didn't have green beans. Him: You can be sad about that but don't be whiny about it.

The restaurant was relatively crowded, kinda looked more like a Saturday morning than a Thursday morning. He did that awkward thing where he says rude things out loud so everyone around us can hear him being insulting.

Him: Why are there so many people here? It's a Thursday morning. These people should be at their jobs.

Me: You do realize we are here, right?

The menu advertised a breakfast sandwich…which I guess I was going to order but had to make sure not to ask questions or tell them what I want.

In an attempt to make a sarcastic joke, he asked about whether the sandwich was gluten-free. And if the chickens were free-range.

I made a joke and asked if the chickens were treated well and whether they were mocked as children.

When we got back outside, he complains about the fact that the table he had been sitting at was taken. Then he walks around and complains that the rest of the tables are equally bad.  Not so easy going now, eh??

We sat outside, and as we were waiting for our food, several birds were dive-bombing me, to which I responded like a normal person and ducked.

He proceeded to chastise me for not standing up to the bird and not asserting my dominance. He told me it didn't bode well for my offspring that I couldn't stand up to a bird. Stated I would just let my children be pecked to death by birds.  Said I'd be helpless, and hopeless for the rest of my life. Literally used those words. Not even implied, straight out said I was hopeless and helpless.

Somehow we got on the conversation of working, basically said he only does his job to make money. I asked him if he enjoyed it or enjoyed helping people, and he said being a neurologist was the best he could come up with using the advantages he was born with. He said there was nothing better he could do to make money, to which I replied that he was choosing to limit himself.

While we waited, he decided to give me a lesson on animals and nature. On nature shows, the lion is shown as the majestic king of the jungle, but they hide the fact that lions will eat their young. This part was much funnier in person because his tone of voice and storyline was so ridiculous. Like he was actually offended or thought it was a conspiracy that this wasn't shown on TV. He also gave a long monologue about how big birds eat other birds. Like helpless penguins. Birds try to eat their eggs. Sometimes the big bird will be looking down and the other bird knows it's about to get eaten. Other times, the other bird doesn't even know. It'll just be sitting there one moment, and the next moment, hey I'm being eaten.

When I turned and spoke to one of the many dive-bombing birds, he proceeded to correct me about calling a bird the wrong gender. He stated that men are the brighter of the bird species because they have to attract the female bird. Told me about watching a show that talked about males of different species trying to attract females. Like fish get the rocks all together to show the girl fish that they can make a nice place, and then the girl fish comes over, so the male fish does a dance, and then if they get turned down by a female, they clean up the rocks and try again. Birds try to make the best nest to impress female birds.

Then he told me that males are brighter than females, across all species. To which I disagreed, stating that I don't think men are more colorful than women. He corrected me, saying that’s why men wear ties…. Again, I told him I'm pretty sure females are more colorful. And he said, yea, women just like to shop. He also told me he could tell which was a female bird because they were the ones that ate everything. Yes, he said those words. Out loud. To a woman he'd never met.

Throughout the date, he spent 97% of the date not talking about me or asking about me.

I did proceed to tell him about the time I was attacked by dogs. And I told him it changed my life. He responded by asking (at least twice) what I did to the dogs to make them attack me. Seriously.

Told him my story about the dogs. After I finished, he asked if I was bleeding.

I recounted my story of going to the ER…to which he responded with…nothing. No sympathy. No nothing.

Told him the rabies shot is really painful because they had to put it in my ankle. He said they probably did it wrong and it was his goal in life to never need a rabies shot.

I then told him about how it changed the nature of my deployment…again, no questions about me.

I told him it was odd to talk about birds eating each other on a first date. And I didn't know how he planned to get second dates after that conversation. He said he had watched a documentary with his niece and it was something he learned. Then he asked me what I learned. And then just stopped talking and went back to eating. Didn't even eat half my breakfast…so uncomfortable, and I wondered if he would tease me for eating all my food.

By the way, he also sat with his feet on the chair next to me, legs straight.

Back when we were in line ordering breakfast, I asked if he was cold, cause he had long pants, a sweater, and a long black wool coat. He said, no, he wore that so he wasn't cold… During breakfast, he told me because I had my arms folded that I was either cold or standoffish. Said that a few times over and over to me…and he even mocked me by folding his arms tightly across his chest and scowling.

I then laid my hands on the table in front of me. He continued to mock me.

Later, he noticed goosebumps and told me I was cold. And then told me because I wasn't furry (or hairy, I don't remember), goosebumps mean I'm cold.

Later on, we took a walk along the river walk. It was mostly painfully awkward silence. But a few times, he did that weird thing talking out loud saying awkward things that other people can hear… There was a lady behind us with a stroller. He said, "I feel like we're being followed". Later, a yappy little dog barked at us, to which he said "no kill, no kill".

The only interesting thing he talked about was racing cars. He mostly mumbled quietly, but I encouraged him to speak up and finally learned something interesting about him. He races cars- most recently a Ferrari, and he just bought a Lotus that he is getting ready for racing. He also used to race a Honda Accord. Reminds me of an ex-boyfriend who drove a Ford Taurus, but was convinced that just because he could hit the gas pedal hard, he was a race car driver…

And then, just like that, mercifully, the torture was over. He walked us back to his car, pointed it out, and then walked away. Didn't ask where I parked or offer to walk me back.

Again, all the little things can be written off as one-offs. Ok, fine, he didn't walk me to my car. Fine, he put his feet on the chair next to me. Yadda yadda yadda. But all together within like an hour? Come